Sunday, January 9, 2011

Best Internet: Should Men Retire?

 After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her 
 trips to Target. 

 Unfortunately, like  most men, I found shopping boring and 
 preferred to get in and get  out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like 
 most women - she loves  to browse. 

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the 
 local Target: 

Dear Mrs. Clifton 

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a 
 commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have 
 been forced to ban both of you  from the store. Our complaints against 
 your husband, Mr. Clifton,  are listed below and are documented by our 
 video surveillance cameras: 

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them 
 in other people's  carts when they weren't looking.

 2. July 2: Set all  the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 
 5-minute intervals. 

3. July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leadin
 to the both the ladies and men's restrooms. 

 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an 
 official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This 
 caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a 
 reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union 
 grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company 

 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of 
 M&Ms on layaway. 

 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted 

 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping  department and told 
 the children shoppers he'd invite them in if  they would bring pillows 
 and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children 

 8.  August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he 
 began  crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 
  EMTs were called. 

9.. September 4: Looked right into  the security camera and used 
 it as a mirror while he picked his  nose. 

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting 
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants  were. 

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, while 
loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible'  theme. 

12. October 6: In the auto department, he  practiced his 
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of  funnels. 

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and  when people browsed 
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud 
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 

And last, but not  least: 

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room,  shut the door, waited 
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey!  There's no toilet paper in 
here.' One of the clerks passed out.  
If you don't share this site with 12 of your dearest friends, your 
property taxes will go up, your stocks will go  down, and your middle 
will spread. (How's that for a curse?!?)  What? It's already come true? 
Then share it anyway--you've got nothing' to lose!  

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